The Myth of Self-Criticism
Self Compassion & The Myth of Self-Criticism
Self-compassion is the practice of being kind to ourselves, especially when we are struggling in some way. It is about treating ourselves with the same grace, care, and support we would give to someone we care deeply about. Sometimes it looks like being our own cheerleader for change. Other times, it looks like accepting ourselves just as we are.
Yet the mention of “self-compassion” to those who might be newer to it often brings up reactions ranging from puzzled, to subtle eye-rolling, to outright scoffs. I’ve learned that many people believe that self-compassion means being “zen’d out,” rainbows and sunshine, obnoxiously high self-esteem, fake kindness, or just… a nice idea. And they are not alone!
Kristin Neff, leading self-compassion expert and researcher, and the founder of the Mindful Self-Compassion program, has explored common myths of self-compassion. One of the most important myths she debunks is that self-compassion will undermine our motivation, which leads us to believe we need self-criticism in order to change. Her research has found that self-compassion actually motivates us more than self-criticism. It even creates a mindset that allows for growth, learning, and improved performance (Neff).
“But, but – we need self-criticism to change!”
I often hear a concern from clients that goes somewhat like, “If I practice self-compassion, then I won’t change, and I need to change!” When we are struggling with a difficult situation, behavior, or emotional experience, of course we want change. But this can often come from a place of self-criticism which, it turns out, doesn’t help us all that much. When we are operating from self-criticism, we are operating from a place of fear or inadequacy. Often this is rooted in perfectionism, which holds the belief that if we aren’t perfect, it will confirm that we aren’t good enough. Self-criticism is typically harsh and makes global statements about our character. It might sound something like, “You’re such a loser!”, “I should have this figured out by now,” or “What’s wrong with me?!” ...Super motivating, right?
Compassionate Empowerment
Setting out to create change in our lives does require some “real-talk” with ourselves. This healthy self-reflection includes giving ourselves constructive feedback about what isn’t working in our lives, so we can then explore possible changes. “Self-compassion doesn’t evaluate and judge the worth of yourself as a person, but it does see wisely” (Neff). It’s discerning.
Being hard on ourselves often gives the illusion of control – “I should have done this…”, “I should know better…”, “I must prepare for…”. This false empowerment actually spins us up in regret and anxiety, negatively affecting our well-being. Compassionate empowerment comes from lovingly acknowledging our struggles, looking inward to our own wisdom, and drawing out compassion from the depths of ourselves.
I like to highlight for my clients that, ultimately, the desire to feel better or create a positive change in one’s life does come from a place of self-compassion. Do you want to read that again? The fact that you want to feel better, tackle a struggle, or be fulfilled in your life means you’re already caring about yourself. This is because you already have self-compassion within you.
As put by Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
