Why we over-give
Have you ever found yourself over-giving in a relationship? There are many reasons we might fall into this pattern. If you reflect on your life and realize you have landed in the “over-giver” category at times, good news–you have some self-awareness! We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge. The next step is to dig a little deeper and be curious about “why” we might over-give. See if any of these hit home with you:
You don’t feel good enough, so you try to prove yourself by pouring more and more into the relationship.
You want the other person to love you back, so you think that if you give a little more, perhaps you’ll finally get that love you’ve been craving.
You don’t feel worthy of others’ attention or love, so you over-give to try to cover up your faults.
You received the message that in order to be “polite,” “nice,” or “good,” you needed to give… and keep on giving, even if you’re already empty.
You are worried you won’t be accepted if you’re viewed as a “taker” in a relationship, so you over-correct to avoid that label.
You think you know what’s best for another person, so you force it upon them even when they don’t ask for it (and maybe, *yikes,* when they really don’t want it).
You think that by self-sacrificing, you can keep the peace–you don’t want to be the one to rock the boat!
Do any of these sound like you? I know I certainly see myself in some of these. Growing up (heck, I’m still working on this), I didn’t want anyone to think I was rude. Even scarier than that was to imagine that my friends and family might talk about how rude I was with other loved ones. So, what did I do to prevent that? Over-give, of course! You need me to drive you someplace? Sure, it doesn’t matter that I’ll be late for my next appointment! They want me to give money for that? You bet I’ll do it–I don’t want them to think I’m stingy! You’ll get upset at me if I say ‘no,’ even if I have a really good reason? Then all you’ll hear from me is ‘yes, definitely, no problem’!
Before you go beating yourself up for over-giving in relationships, I want you to know that whatever the reason, this behavior has likely been an attempt to protect yourself or to find love and connection. Can you show a little understanding and compassion to that part of you that is scared or unsure if they are loved? I’ll go first: when I was little, I received the message that being rude was one of the worst things you could do. So, to keep myself emotionally safe from being looked down upon, I started over-giving. I’m so grateful for that part of me that wanted me to be safe, and of course that little girl wanted to be loved–I don’t blame her for doing what she needed to.
I invite you to be curious about a few things today: How does being an over-giver play out in your life? What do you think is at the root of that? How can you show gratitude and compassion to the part of you that learned to over-give?
