Both/and

Either/or is a nice option, huh? It feels pretty safe… It’s either this or that. It’s either wrong or it’s right. I can be either sad or angry. It is only possible to feel either relief or grief. They are either bad or good. Having only two options can feel comfortable to us because it can limit uncertainty (and our lil’ ol’ human selves really love certainty) and reduce the energy we spend on decision-making. But while either/or can feel safe, it does not only limit uncertainty; it also limits us.

What if trying on a “both/and” lens instead of an “either/or” lens could open up our options a bit? For example, what if we actually are both sad and angry when our friend says that hurtful thing? Is it just me, or have you, too, both grieved the loss of something and also felt relief that it was finally over? Every human I have ever known has both overflowing goodness within them and, at least sometimes, does some pretty crappy things. I don’t want to be limited by only two options when I actually know that two things can be true at once.

This both/and mindset can be applied to many things: our feelings, our thoughts, our beliefs, truths. Where do you find yourself defaulting to either/or options? Perhaps it is in how you view yourself (“I’m either great or a piece of scum”). Maybe it shows up in what things you allow to be true at once (“Either they’re right or I am”). What if you allowed yourself to explore some both/and possibility instead? You can be both a wonderful friend and make mistakes in your friendships. You can both have a valid point yourself, and so can your conversation partner.

Here’s how I’m putting that idea into practice for myself this week: by allowing myself to be both really happy because a loved one has found someone to partner with and really disappointed that they are moving away to be with that person. I will miss them, and I am so glad they are doing what they believe they need to do! It feels tricky to hold both at the same time right now, but I know that I cannot deny either reality–both feelings are true.

Holding things with a little bit more both/and and a little less either/or can free us to be the complex humans we inherently are. And not only that, but once we free ourselves, we just might find that others are more free to be who they are, too.